1
A guy carrying a lantern went into a video store, looked around a while, and didn't buy anything. The clerk said, "Anything I can help you with, sir?"
"Where can I find an honest man?"
"Who was in it?"
"It wasn't a movie. I'm looking for an honest man."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we only carry videos made since 1975 at this outlet."
MORAL: IT'S STILL EASIER TO FIND AN HONEST MAN IN THE MOVIES THAN IN REAL LIFE.
2
A lady was dyeing her hair red when a serpent crawled out of the sink. The serpent took one look at the lady and said, "I could eat you alive if I cared to."
The lady replied, "You can't because I'm fully insured and protected by the U.S. government."
The serpent laughed and showed her his fangs and said, "All governments are immoral and I have no respect for any of them." At which point the lady's husband, who was an FBI agent, slipped a noose around the serpent's head and carted it off to the zoo.
MORAL: JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO USE FOR THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T MEAN THE GOVERNMENT HAS NO USE FOR YOU.
3
A student preferred playing video games to studying his algebra, so one day he made a deal with his dog. The dog agreed to study algebra and take the boy's place at the final exam if only the boy would stop kicking him. On the day of the exam the dog showed up to take the test, but the teacher insisted that no one with four legs could learn what is taught in the American high school, whereupon the dog solved a difficult equation. As a result the student was suspended for letting his studies go to the dogs, while the dog was promoted to the next grade.
MORAL: LEARNING IS A LOT LIKE CHOPPING WOOD. LAZY CHOPPERS SPEND COLD WINTERS.
4
A boy with a nail in his shoe went to a learned wise man complaining of the pain. The philosopher said, "In our moral context the exigencies of the pain modality are best borne through a studied indifference to the cultural vagaries of this imperialist, phallocentric era."
The boy said "thank you" and went on his way, complaining of the pain until he came to a shoemaker, who said, "Here, let me knock that nail out of your shoe."
MORAL: THE GREATER THE NONSENSE THE FANCIER THE LANGUAGE.
5
A vegetarian woman found herself pregnant after an all-night pizza party. She went to a doctor and demanded an abortion. The doctor said, "I won't tell you what to do with your own body, but I'd sooner commit suicide than perform an abortion."
The woman was shaken by the doctor's vehemence and decided to carry the baby after all. Nine months later she delivered a sixteen inch deepdish with nine ingredients, including banana peppers, anchovies and double peperoni.
MORAL: WHAT YOU DO WITH YOU OWN BODY IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS, BUT THE BEST TIME TO WORRY ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL IS BEFORE GREASING THE PAN.
6
Over in the next county a farmer got to arguing with a druggist over who drove the fanciest car.
The druggist said his car was so beautiful that even the crows stopped flying in amazement to gawk. However, the farmer said he had no respect for an old crow's opinion and that his car must be fanciest because a Japanese had offered him a quarter of a million for it. The druggist scoffed and answered back so rough that the argument lasted through the winter, and the farmer forgot to harvest his corn, and the druggist's customers all died waiting in line for Geritol.
MORAL: VAINGLORIOUS TODAY; LAUGHABLE TOMORROW.
8
A modern man married the girl of his dreams. On the first day he cooked a three course meal. On the second day he did the laundry. On the 181st day he began taking care of the baby. A year later, while changing the infant's diaper he exclaims, "Don't you ever do anything to help around here?"
The girl of his dreams batted her eyes and replied, "Pish, look at all these things I bought us with the credit card."
MORAL: MARRY A WIFE TODAY; MOURN A MOTHER TOMORROW.
9
A poet and a critic met in a public restroom on the way to a performing arts workshop. The critic told the poet he would pay him to read some of his recent work. An hour later the critic reawakened exclaiming he hadn't understood a word, but gave the poet a dollar anyway. The poet , then feeling rather rich, asked the critic for an interpretation of his poems. Another hour later the poet, his head spinning from all the verbiage, begged the critic to stop and gave him back his dollar.
"But this is only a dollar, " the critic cried.
"Far more than what it was worth," the poet said, raising his umbrella, and going on his way.
MORAL: THOSE PAID BY THE WORD HAVE THE MOST.
Hugh Smith is a funeral director in Dayton, Ohio; in addition, he is acting director of CHRC-Midwest, the Committee to Revitalize Harmonic Convergence.
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