One evening Mr. Bannister heard a loud crash in front of his house. On going out to investigate he discovered a drunk had run smack into a stone wall.
Luckily for the drunk, he was not going very fast. He was only moderately bruised in the wreck. His car, however, was inoperable.
The drunk was in no condition to get himself home. Mr. Bannister thought someone ought to keep an eye on him anyhow in case he was hurt worse than he appeared to be. Mr. Bannister brought the drunk in the house and settled him on the couch for the night.
The drunk was sort of awake by the time Mr. Bannister had to leave for work the next morning, if sore and hung over.
``Help yourself to breakfast,'' Mr. Bannister said. ``I'll take you home later if you need.''
When Mr. Bannister got home, the drunk was gone. The front door was open, and it was obvious the neighborhood dogs had been in the house. Several containers of food the drunk had gotten out were still on the counter. The weather was quite warm. Most of the food was spoiled.
By the phone, Mr. Bannister discovered the names of several wrecking services written all over a book. It was not a particularly valuable book. It was not scratch paper either though.
Mr. Bannister was quite annoyed, but he cleaned up and settled down for the evening. When he went to go to bed, however, he found the bedroom smelled of shit. This was most unpleasant, but try as he might, he could not find the source of the smell. Eventually Mr. Bannister just gave up looking and got into bed. When he did, he felt something which, upon examination, he discovered to be a pile of shit.
Disgusted and enraged, Mr. Bannister cleaned himself and the bed and then went to sleep on a foam pad on the floor in another room. In the morning he went looking for the drunk.
``And on top of everything else,'' said Mr. Bannister, ``One of the dogs shat in my bed.''
``Oh no, that was me,'' said the drunk.
``What!''
``I couldn't find the bathroom.''
Mr. Bannister was speechless.
``I don't see what you're being so petty about,'' said the drunk. ``It was really a
very small turd.''
Uncle River is currently feuding with his nearest neighbor in on of New Mexico's most spectacular and remote ghost towns. His ``Mongollon News'' has been a popular weekly radio and newspaper feature since 1986. His other writing has attracted lots of encouragement lately, some publication, but not much money.
For more stories by Uncle River, click here.
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